My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
