Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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