Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
