Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
