I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
