I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
