I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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