I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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