theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
