dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sober January is a disaster.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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