Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
