We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
