life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
