The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
