there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
