he puts the penis in happiness.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
