Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
