hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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