i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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