I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
