I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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