I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
