I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
