I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
