I could have mohawked her pubes.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
