I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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