it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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