there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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