Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
