Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
