Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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