Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
