I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
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