She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
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