A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
