those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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