My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
