I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
