i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
