I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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