I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
