The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize