There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
