I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We have started to decorate penises.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
