when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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