we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
