i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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