Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
