I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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