Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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