yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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