I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
