3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
