well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
