I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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