This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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