i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
