I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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