nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
